winter stillness in Bradian

This winter I have been struggling with the blinding white blanket of snow that seems to mirror so much of my inner world. I have been feeling frozen, lonely, a stillness and resistance to growth, the heaviness of false lack, struggling as i wade through my ‘stuff’.

I have made some decisions to let go of things that no longer serve me, to create new goals and visions for the future, to embrace change and seek a new tribe…and you know what? it can be hard and scary! I have moments of deep gratitude, bursts of excitement and clarity and then fall into fear, uncertainty, resistance; only to ride the roller coaster back up again. Exploring my limiting beliefs of how i think change should feel; liberating, light and excitement; without leaving space for the uncomfortable. Making the conscious decision to  move into alignment with my dreams, raising my vibration, stepping into new dimensions; can all be so overwhelming.

There are days where i want to pull the covers back over my head and wonder why i started this process in the first place,  nights where I drink too much wine and stare out the window feeling utterly paralyzed. I am in the awkward space of stumbling and tripping over what ‘was’ and my new vision of how i think things could be. All the simmering of possibilities that is hidden below the surface, the planting of seeds that have yet to take root, the setting of intentions, all can take me to my dark place where i reach for quick fixes, allowing old patterns of self destruction, negative thought patterns and loose personal boundaries.  It takes time to adjust, realign, transformation is painful, uncomfortable and the unfolding of something beautiful, as we allow in new possibilities and stretch ourselves out of our comfort zones.

Nature reminds me of all the potential growth just hiding below the surface. That our outward appearance rarely reveals what is happening in our depths. Under all this snow and ice there is life waiting for the right time to emerge, in the stillness there is purpose and it can feel long, cold and infertile soil to be planting our dreams. But I am going to keep forging ahead and making mistakes and falling on my face as well as moments of brilliant new insights, possibility inspiring others along the way to grow and stretch, with the hopes that spring will bring in new life if I plant each idea like a carefully placed seed of intention. Today I am going to the river, to follow its path and to visit the poplar trees with their winter buds, sticky with promised new leaves at the first sign of spring and hope I can see traces of myself in the transformation.